


She's Not(t) Yours

by GeminiMoon14



Series: The Woes of a Goblin Girl (or How Does Nott Keep Getting into Trouble?!) [7]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Abduction, Bad Jokes, Don't know how but I will make that a tag, Found Family, Gen, Goblins, Hostage Situations, Hurt/Comfort, Jokes, Kidnapping, Ogres, Sort of? - Freeform, bad sense of humor, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24835615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeminiMoon14/pseuds/GeminiMoon14
Summary: First of all, this was not her fault; she did nothing to encourage them and Fjord is a liar. Second of all, if she had known that one little joke was going to cause all this she would have saved it for another time they needed it. Lastly, it was a good thing she did do it because it saved them all the trouble of being ground into paste.
Relationships: Beauregard & Caduceus Clay & Fjord & Jester Lavorre & Nott & Caleb Widogast & Yasha, Beauregard Lionett & The Mighty Nein, Fjord & Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett & Nott & Mollymauk Tealeaf & Caleb Widogast, Nott & Beauregard Lionett, The Mighty Nein & Nott | Veth Brenatto
Series: The Woes of a Goblin Girl (or How Does Nott Keep Getting into Trouble?!) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767250
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	She's Not(t) Yours

First of all, this was  _ not _ her fault; she did nothing to encourage them and Fjord is a liar. Second of all, if she had known that one little joke was going to cause all this she would have saved it for another time they needed it. Lastly, it was a good thing she did do it because it saved them all the trouble of being ground into paste.

They had fought monsters before on the roads, it was something they had learned to deal with fairly easily. This fight on the other hand, was anything but easy. The Mighty Nein had been ambushed while they slept; Yasha and Molly had been the first to respond because they were on watch.

Unfortunately, they woke their team a little slower than they should have. Before he could even sit up, an ogre had grabbed Fjord by his torso and pinned his arms to his side. The half-orc let out a yelp of fear as the ogre grinned and reached for Beau. Beau was lucky, she managed to smack the hand away and dart out of range. 

Jester had sprung up with a shout and, seeing Fjord in the clutches of one ogre, cast Guiding Bolt and shrieked, “FJORD!” At her cry Yasha unleashed her Necrotic Shroud, her hair fully turning black and her wings unfurling, and shouted, “Drop him! You drop him right now!” The ogre froze in shock as Fjord kicked his legs, still grappled by the ogre.

Another ogre across the campsite stomped over and hoisted Caleb into the air by one of his legs, the wizard letting out a short scream of surprise and casting Firebolt. The ogre growled in pain but, instead of dropping the wizard, shook him and snarled, “That  _ hurt _ !” 

There were a few goblins around, not really attacking but getting ready to act if they needed to. Molly snarled at them and hissed in infernal, “ _ Run you filthy pests! _ ” A couple goblins stayed while the others fled. The purple tiefling turned towards the giant and ordered, “Put. The wizard. Down!” 

The giant gave an amused chuckle but ignored him as he lifted Caleb higher and grabbed at Caduceus. The firbolg struggled a little as he shrieked and accidentally cast Vampiric Touch. The ogre grunted and squeezed the firbolg in pain before dropping him. Caduceus hit the ground and managed to scramble to his feet as he apologized, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”

The ogre ignored this, lifted a large tree trunk, and swung at Caduceus and Molly. Molly managed to duck and reduce how badly he got hurt but Caduceus took the brunt of the swing and fell onto his back. 

Still dangling from the ogre’s grip, Caleb cursed, tried to cast another spell, lost concentration when the monster swung at his friends, and remarked, “Oh I think I’m going to be sick.” From a distance away, Nott saw her boy’s plight and called out, “What’s an ogre’s favorite sandwich?! A  _ club _ !” 

As the magic of Tasha’s Hideous Laughter tried to wrap itself around the ogre’s mind, the ogre resisted the effect and the spell dissipated. The other ogre, still holding Fjord, looked to the little goblin girl and started chuckling. The battle paused as the both ogres chuckles turned into roaring laughter and shook their captives. 

Nott was confused as she called out to her friends, “The spell didn’t work but they’re still laughing?!” Molly patted her shoulder and nudged her towards the ogre and remarked, “Doesn’t matter, keep it up.” She turned back to the ogre holding Caleb and called up, “What happened when the ogre got confused with another? It was a  _ giant _ mistake!” 

The laughter grew as the ogre holding Caleb turned to the other one and commented in Giant, “Little one’s funny!” The one holding Fjord nodded in agreement, pointed at Nott, and said, “Another one!” Nott paused in surprise before telling him, “I’ll tell another one if you put my boy down!” 

The ogre looked at the human in his hand and asked, “Your boy?” She smiled as she told him, “Yeah, can’t you see the family resemblance? He just didn’t get my good looks.” They started to laugh as the ogre slowly placed Caleb back on the ground. As soon as he was released, Caleb was pulled into the center of the group as Jester whispered, “What about Fjord?”

Nott cracked her knuckles and replied, “Don’t worry I got this!” She stepped towards the ogre holding Fjord, who was looking a little short on breath in the crushing grip of the ogre, and asked, “Did you know he’s a sailor?” The ogres looked at Fjord with renewed interest as Nott told them, “Yeah, he’s a real  _ seaman _ .”

Their laughter returned in full force as she said, “If you put him down I’ll tell you how I know that.” Hurriedly, the one crushing Fjord released him and ordered, “Tell, tell!” She smirked at Fjord and informed him, “You can tell by the way he  _ waves _ .” Their laughter grew as even the couple of goblins cackled to each other, “Seaman! Waves!” 

Jester placed a hand against Fjord’s chest and healed the ribs that had been crushed while the ogres were distracted. Once he was breathing easier, she watched the ogres and goblins howled in laughter. The Mighty Nein watched in awe as Jester commented, “They’re loving her, guys!” Beau nodded, impressed, as she said, “Good thing or this fight would’ve been bad.”

While they were talking, the ogre who had previously been holding Caleb, wrapped a hand around Nott’s waist and pinned her arms to her side. She yelped in surprise at the, gentler than expected, grip around her and exclaimed, “What the fuck?!” The ogre holding her grinned and commanded, “More! More funny!” She struggled in his grip as she said, “Not until you put me down.” The ogre frowned and gave her a small squeeze and demanded, “More  _ funny _ !”

She stopped moving as she told him, “Fine! Okay! Um, what happened when a ghost used the chamber pot? It  _ scared the shit _ out of it!” The ogres laughed loudly, the goblins joining in as Nott gave a weak laugh and pleaded, “Okay, now I need you to put me down?” The other ogre rubbed her head with a large finger and said in Giant, “We have new funny thing! Go show others.”

Hearing this, Caduceus warned, “They’re going to run off with her.” The rest of The Mighty Nein froze in shock before they all shouted, “What?!” Jester summoned her Spiritual Weapon and called out, “Hey, you better put her down right now!” The ogres glanced at her for a moment before turning their attention back to Nott. 

Jester puffed her cheeks out in anger as Beau yelled, “Put her the fuck down!” The ogres looked at the group, turned back to Nott, threw a boulder at them, and ran. The goblins saw this and began to follow their leaders as The Mighty Nein tried to dodge out of the way.

Molly, Beau, and Caleb managed to avoid the boulder as it slammed into Fjord, Yasha, and Jester. Caduceus was already following the ogres as he called out in Giant, “You get back here this instant you two!” The ogres and goblins gave him a strange look as Nott wriggled in the ogre’s grip and shouted, “Put me the fuck down!”

They ignored their demands and continued running with their prize in hand, literally. The ogre not holding the goblin girl, pulled a tree down and into the path in an attempt to stall them. By this point, Molly, Beau, and Caleb were in pursuit alongside Caduceus. 

As they reached the tree, Beau vaulted over the trunk with ease, followed by Molly. Caduceus helped Caleb get over the large tree and followed. Jester and Yasha helped Fjord get back onto his feet before they chased after their friends, all of them stumbling from the damage they had taken.

Nott struggled in the grip of the one ogre as she spat, “You smell like a pile of goblin shit!” The other ogre laughed and told his companion, still in his native tongue, “She not wrong!” The other ogre laughed too as he added, “Bet she say something worse to you!” 

As she struggled she heard the other goblins, male by the sound of the voices, calling out in Goblin, “What a woman!” She turned towards one and spat at it, hitting him in the face. The rest of the group carting her off cackled as the ogre holding her commented, “Funnier than others!” Unable to free herself she called back to her friends, “I can’t get loose!”

Behind them, Beau managed to run up alongside the group and slam her fist into one ogre’s side as she called out, “I’m here!” He winced and swung back, missing the monk by inches, as Beau used her staff to vault herself up and kick his head. He growled, grabbed her ankle, and held her out in front of him. 

Nott stopped struggling and told her captor, “Don’t you dare hurt her!” Beau scowled at the ogre and said, “Drop us!” He ignored the human and passed her to the other. That ogre looked the human over and lifted her like he was going to eat her. 

Nott, desperate to get attention off of Beau, shouted, “Your looks are worse than you smell and boy do you stink!” He stopped and laughed as he told his ally, “Let’s keep as pet for funny one.” He agreed and held Beau tightly as she shouted, “Fuck! Guys get your asses moving!” 

Molly saw this, ran up behind the group carrying his friends away, and shouted back, “I’m coming girls!” He set his sights on the one holding Beau and shouted in infernal, “ _ Put her down you sack of shit _ !” The ogre groaned in pain as the words struck his mind and disoriented him, though his grip on Beau did not loosen. 

The ogre he struck with Vicious Mockery, stumbled against a large tree and caused it to uproot and collapse just in front of Molly. His head slammed into the hard surface as Nott and Beau screamed, “MOLLY!” He shook his head and tried to climb around the tree to follow. 

By the time he made it to the top of the massive trunk, there was only a set of tracks running away from the collapse. Molly hissed and pressed a hand to his head, blood on his palm when he removed it. The others made it to him shortly as he told them, “Dropped a tree on me, took Beau too. Bastards!”

Jester placed a hand on his head and asked, “Did you see where they went?” He shook his head and replied, “I saw tracks though, not sure if that’ll last though.” Caduceus put a hand on Molly’s shoulder as he said, “You did good.” Molly patted his hand and told him, “Apparently not good enough.”

Once they made it to the ogres’ cave, Beau was in chains faster than she could blink and offered to Nott in exchange for jokes. For her part, Nott was quick on the uptake and quickly thanked them for the ‘gift’. The ogres grinned as Nott placed herself in front of the human and asked, “What kind of jokes do you like?”

Their captors smiled and said, “More funny!” Nott licked her lips nervously as her hands shook and began, “Ok so, what do you call a cow with no legs?  _ Ground _ beef!” Her audience seemed to find that joke funnier than the others as they started howling and pounding their fists against hard surfaces.

One male goblin, the one she had spat at asked, “What was with the spit, pretty one?” She gave him a hard look as she shot back, “Haven’t you heard of a spit shine? Thought it’d clean the shit off your face before I saw that it  _ was _ your face.” The other goblins cackled loudly and the ogres clapped happily as another goblin called out, “Hah! She got you good!”

Nott saw one goblin creeping nearer to Beau and told him, “Don’t even  _ think _ about it you flea-bitten, moldy, shit-stain!” The goblin looked at her and said, “Maybe a little smooch will keep me away.” She smirked as she told him, “No thanks, I’d rather not catch ugly.” They howled in laughter as the one goblin asked, this time in his native language, “C’mon sweetheart what’s a little kiss?” 

Though she did not understand the language being spoken, Beau saw the look on Nott’s face and kicked the goblin across the room. Blank-faced, Nott remarked, “Careful she kicks.” The crowd started laughing even harder as one ogre patted Nott’s head and said in Common, “You funny! Be good and make more funny!” 

Nott winced and told him, “Can’t use all my funny in one day though or there’ll be none tomorrow.” The ogre smiled as he hoisted her into the air and dropped her into a sturdy-looking bird cage. She let out a yelp of surprise and asked, “What are you doing?” The ogre peered at her through the bars and answered, “Don’t want funny to go. Stay there so don’t get taken.” 

The other goblins eyed Nott like she was food to a starving man and she shuddered. Turning her attention back to the ogre she asked, “What about my... pet?” The word sounded physically painful to say as the ogre turned to the crowd of underlings, pointed to Beau, and said, “Any touch, you get smashed. Pet for funny, not you!” 

The goblins nodded their agreement and told her, “We won’t do anything to your pet! It punted Jekt so ain’t nobody gonna go near it!” Beau huffed a little at being called it and said, “Fuck you, you little shits! Stop calling me ‘it’ I’m a person!” They gave her a funny look but turned their attention back to Nott as the giant hooked her cage to the wall beneath a sconce.

The other ogre yawned and told the group, “Time for bed. Go sleep!” The goblins scattered in different directions but not before giving Nott some sort of flirty goodbye. She rolled her eyes and waited for them to be left alone before she asked, “You alright Beau?” Beau nodded and whispered back, “Yeah, what about you?” She shrugged and told the human, “I’ll be fine, I could try to pick the lock on the cage or…” 

Nott made some motions with her hands and cast Mage Hand. With it, she floated her thieves tools towards Beau and started picking the lock to her chains. It took her around ten minutes before she managed to pick the lock and free Beau.

Once free, Beau stretched and called up in a hushed voice, “Your turn!” Nott floated her tools back up to her and started on her lock. She sat there for five minutes, Beau keeping watch, trying to pick her lock.

Soon, Nott’s cage door was open and she was that much closer to freedom. She swung the door open, not expecting the purple powder to go off in her face. She let out a small cough as the powder entered her lungs and the world at the corner of her eyes started to get fuzzy. Instead of leaping down, she fell into the arms of Beau. 

Beau smacked Nott’s cheek as she told her, “Hey! Hey! What’s wrong?!” Nott’s eyes slowly rose to meet Beau’s as she slurred, “I ‘unno. Something’s… no’ right.” Beau gave her a little shake as she whispered, “Nott! Snap out of it! Um, let’s go!” She threw Nott over her shoulder and ran away from where she had seen the monsters go to sleep.

As she ran she occasionally whispered, “You still with me?” She usually got a sleepy mumble in response but at least she knew Nott was alive. It was easier than expected to make her way towards the exit, even with Nott weighing her down. Nott was barely clinging to consciousness by the time Beau made it to the opening. 

The moment Beau had made it to the mine opening, she heard a voice shriek, “Their gone! Masters, they’ve escaped!” She could hear the loud clanging of an alarm as she cursed and ran away from the cave system. She could hear a horn sounding behind her as she darted into the dense forest and attempted to slip away.

It was Jester who had the idea to cast Locate Object on Beau’s staff. They were getting closer to the source when they heard the horns and clamor ring through the woods. Jester paused as she said, “That came from the left but Beau’s moving right.” Molly patted her shoulder and remarked, “I think it’s safe to say she didn’t want to stay put.”

The Mighty Nein ran towards Beau’s direction and hoped that Nott was with her. As they made their way through the forest, they heard the shrieks of goblin and angry roars of ogres spreading out near them.

They soon made it to a large clearing with enough space they could all spread out. The Mighty Nein drew their weapons, activating them if necessary, and waited. From near Yasha, there was a rustling noise and Beau burst out of the foliage with Nott on her back.

The Mighty Nein sighed in relief as the monk stumbled into the group and exclaimed, “We got company!” Following Beau was the two ogres and a couple of goblins. The larger monsters roared in anger as one yelled, “Give back funny!” Caleb held up a familiar bead of light as he solemnly answered, “Fuck you.”

While in the woods, the trees gave Beau plenty of cover and allowed her to use her sash to tie Nott to her back. Once sure Nott was secured, she checked her over and asked, “You still with me?” Nott groaned and barely managed, “Y’s, I can’t talk right.” Beau patted her hand and told her, “Don’t worry, we’ll get back and Caduceus or Jester can get you fixed up. Until then stay with me.” 

Beau hurried to get away as she listened for the sound of scrabbling goblin feet or the stomps of clumsy ogres over the sound of her heart thudding in her ears. She heard nothing but silence for a good minute and finally made a run for it. 

Unfortunately, she was spotted by the ogres who had simply held still to flush her out. The moment they spotted Beau, they unleashed a loud roar and followed after her. She let out a small scream and picked up the pace as they chased after her.

Eventually, she spotted a thick patch of bushes and dove between the branches in an effort to lose her tail. As she dove through the underbrush, she spotted an opening and burst into a large clearing where her friends stood. As they heaved sighs of relief she called out, “We got company!”

About that time, the ogres crashed into the clearing with thunderous footsteps and loud roars as one yelled, “Give back funny!” Beau held onto Nott tighter than before and shifted so she was right in the middle of the group. From just in front of her, Caleb held up a familiar bead of light as he stoicly responded, “Fuck you.”

The bead shot towards the gathering of monsters and a ball of flame expanded to engulf them all. The goblins turned to ash within the Fireball as the ogres screamed in pain. Jester ran forward once the flames dissipated, putting a hand on one ogre’s stomach and cast Inflict Wounds.

Black energy spiralled down her arm and flew into the ogre spreading out from the point of contact. It dropped to its knees as two bolts of verdant energy from an Eldritch Blast slammed into it and blasted it’s skull away. The second ogre started to run as Yasha and Molly used their blades and carved into it, Yasha’s blade slicing through its neck and severing it completely.

Seeing the others had the situation in hand, Caduceus gave Beau a gentle smile and politely asked, “May I see Nott?” Beau nodded and handed her over, informing him, “She got hit with some kind of purple powder. I don’t know what it did but she’s been pretty out of it.” He nodded along as his hands glowed and divine energy entered Nott’s form.

Slowly, Nott blinked her eyes open and asked, “What’d I miss?” Fjord walked over to them and said, “Nothing much, just some ass kicking.” Jester bounced over, throwing herself onto Beau’s back and exclaimed, “We were so worried about you guys! What’d they do to you? Do I need to raise them and kill them again?” Nott grinned and Beau answered, “Nah, Nott managed to keep’em under control.” Nott scoffed as she remarked, “You didn’t hear all the flirting but yeah pretty well managed.” 

Jester’s eyes narrowed as she asked, “They flirted with you even after telling them not to?” Sensing the tension, Nott smirked and replied, “If it helps, Beau punted the guy across the room while she was tied up.”

Molly snorted as Caleb inquired, “All the way across? Not just partially?” Nott made a gesture with her hands to demonstrate how far the goblin was launched which made Jester crush Beau in her hug and exclaim, “Beau! I’m so proud of you!” Beau yelped from the crushing strength and was lifted into the air. 

Caleb gave her a soft smile as he lifted Nott onto his shoulders and thanked her. Fjord chuckled and told Nott, “Next time let’s not tell a couple of ogres jokes that get someone kidnapped.” Nott flipped him off and retorted, “Fuck you! My jokes saved your weak ass!” He spluttered as he shot back, “My-? I just saved your ass!”

“Yeah after I saved yours!”

“That ain’t the point”

“Doesn’t matter, I saved you first. So I technically saved my own ass by saving yours!”

“That doesn't make any sense!”

“Your face doesn’t make any sense!”

As the bickering continued, Yasha patted Beau’s shoulder and told her, “Glad you’re back. Molly was worried.” The monk shot him a teasing look and asked, “Really?” He ruffled her hair and told her, “Shut up, unpleasant one. You were grabbed by an ogre, I think I’m entitled to some worry.” She punched his shoulder, a sign of affection from her, and muttered, “Yeah, yeah you pain in the ass. Let’s get back to camp, it’s been a long ass night.”


End file.
